Avett Brothers

"Where do you go when it's perfectly clear, you might find your way but you won't find it here. What makes it easy to sound so sincere, when you know that you don't care?" -Find My Love by the Avett Brothers.

This about sums up my thoughts for life right now.....I don't have to much to add right now....

My exercise.

Just a few minutes ago, I walked down the stairs. A light ambient music was playing on my computer as if welcoming me to the task at hand; my first ever real writing exercise. I sat down and grabbed my laptop, and I was about to type the first letter of the exercise when it happened. A yeti bust through the door. Man this thing was disgusting. He had a booger the size of a golf ball hanging from his nose and hair that was so matted, he almost had dreads.

He looked down the stairs and saw me. Crap, I thought to myself while trying to figure out how to battle a yeti in underpants and with nothing else to wear anyplace close, other then some of those sticky shoes. But those would only slow me down so underpants and nothing else it is. That's when I remembered. Last year after getting back my income tax, I bought myself a brand new samurai sword. Lucky for me, it was right next to me. The yeti lunged down the steps towards me and I raised the sword.

I'm sad to say the only yeti ever seen in Florissant Missouri is now dead.

R.I.P. Big Smelly Yeti
===============

Okay so the above was my exercise. I was given the words: yeti, underpants, booger, sticky shoes, and income tax :and told to use them in a story. The above, is my story. And yes....it is in fact true.

It's that time of the night again....

So once again here I sit. Wondering what in the hell I'm going to write about!! And at this moment I have no idea. My whole purpose in this was to get better at writing. I want to get better at writing so that maybe, just maybe, someday I can write a full song....since all of mine end up stopping halfway through because I can't think of any more lyrics. But that could just be because of my ability to not complete anything. I could be the most master minded person in the world and have plans to dominate the entire world. They would be amazing plans detailed to the last bit. I'd start and take control over all of the America's. I'd probably start working my way into Europe when I'd get bored or side tracked and just stop. I would live the rest of my life as the King of Americas.....with a summer home in Europe.

A vacation. I have been thinking of taking a vacation some place. Jamaica. Mexico. Some place out of the country and in the sun. But I don't have anyone to go with me, and I'm sure not going alone.

Sometimes while I sit in my hobbit hole and think, I wonder what life could have been. What would be different had I gone away to college, pursued music like I wanted to. I would either be a music teacher right now (and I'm not so sure I'd be that good at that) or performing some place. Granted I'd probably barely be making minimum wage while I played the bar scene in St. Louis and surrounding areas, but damn I'd be happy.

Kids, don't make the mistake of getting married young. Live your life. Experience your life before you make any huge decisions. Because if you don't, some day you'll look back on your life and wonder why you never go to do this or do that. Learn who you really are before it's to late to learn and to do all the things you wanted to try doing.

Live fast, love hard, and die laughing.

The day of my Daughters birth.

Today was my little girls birthday. She turned 4 years old and we had her an amazing princess party. Her and all of her friends from her ballet class all wore princess dresses, did a dance, played and ate cupcakes. It was awesome. She was our third. What some would call an accident. But I saw her as a blessing. I had two boys and I loved them to death, but I wanted a girl so bad...and I got her.

Follow me here. I'm switching subjects. I'd like to transport myself back a few hundred years ago. Back in the days of knights, pirates, ninjas and everything else that was magical to me when I was a little boy. But take me back to that actual time. Less technology, less everything. Such a simpler times. I could take up life as a carpenter for the local town. Making houses, furniture, whatever was required. I'd live in a nice little city on a high point for better defense and walled in for protection. I would just love to see what that life was like. What it would be like to not even know what a cell phone was or what a radio was. Everyone talks about how each of us should be more green to save the environment. Look what those people were doing back then. That's about as green as you can get. Well unless you want to go back to the cavemen.

I need to learn to live to be happy with what I have. To be happy with the fact that I have the basic necessities to live and to make sure my children are taken care of. What more do I need? Nothing. Nothing at all. 

My 15 minutes have arrived for the night....

I wondered what to write about on my way home. Should I dive more into my feelings or should I try a more creative type of writing. A small story perhaps. Maybe something that I can continue during my experiment.

Okay so I just tried that idea.....not ready for that yet. I write like crap. Seriously. Where did my english teachers go wrong????

My mind feels clear. My thoughts, pure.
I sit alone in my bed, waiting on something.
But what is there to wait on?
What else can go wrong on this winding road?
And when can I get off.
When can I leave this island of nothing,
And come to a land of happy.
A land of love.
A land of joy.
Waiting on joy.
Waiting on love.

So yeah....no idea where that came from. I feel like the time for bed is here, but I know that if I lay down, sleep won't come to me. Sleep won't happen. As much as I want it to, it won't. My mind will toss and turn and think and stray and drive me out of my mind. I feel as if I am slowly going insane. I am slowly loosing what little bit of sanity I still had left after everything.

Sorry for the few days of not writing....

And I'm not really sure why I said sorry.....since not many people will ever read this it's like I'm apologizing to myself. I'm not even really sure what I'm going to write about. My mind is in a blur. Sometimes I want to run away from it all and other times I think it's all still worth trying to save. I need to be right in the middle of those two places. It's over. I know it's over. And in all reality I don't want it saved anymore. It wasn't right or true from the beginning and if after everything that happened and all that we have been through it isn't right or true after 10 years and 3 children, it never will be. It never will be. It just wasn't meant to last I guess. It's my kids I really fear for the most. They don't deserve a split home. But they will have to. I will face this with them head on and we will come out stronger and better on the other side. Nothing can stop me, but me. I have to make it work for just a short wile longer. Then I can be free. Then I can have a real space of my own. I can be free of this house and of always being around Robyn. I can free my heart, my soul and my mind. That's what I want. That's what I need. I need this for my well being at this point. Every day here just feels more and more shitty and all I want to do is scream my head off and run as fast as I can and as far as I can.

I'm tired of always being tired, of always feeling worn down, of always having to put on a brave happy face so that no one knows what's going on. This isn't a life that a man can live. This isn't a life that anyone should have to live.

Friends and enemies

Let me start out by saying that I have some awesome friends. I've known some of them since I was 14 and just in high school and regardless of what happens, regardless if we don't speak for months, if I ever need anything, I know I can count on them. I'm lucky to have friends like this. They are such a family to me. They have helped keep me sane through some of the toughest stuff I've ever gone through and I only hope that some day I can return the favor. They are truly amazing and all one of a kind.

Why is it that there are just some people you can't connect with? Doesn't matter how hard you try, it always seems forced. It always seems distant and not real. I'm a pretty laid back guy. It takes a lot to really get on my nerves, but even then I can easily get over that if you are a decent person. Why are some people so stuck up that they feel above other people? It's like they have this sense of super self importance and that no one else is half as good as they are.

I've had people that I'm not a fan of, but rarely have I ever come across someone I would ever call an enemy. I can count on one hand the number of people I could have ever called an enemy in my life and I wouldn't even use all my fingers. I guess that is what is bugging me right now. One person. The problem is because of my anger towards this person, I can't let these feelings go. I don't want this person to have any control over my life in that way anymore. I want to be free of it, free from it, free to be myself again. How does one person over come emotions and feelings like this and just let them go. Do you have to fully forgive someone before they can be let go, before you can feel peace in your life again or do you just have to grin and bare it? I wish there was an all knowing oracle that could tell me these things so I didn't feel so damn lost sometimes.

I will close my eyes now and attempt to dream happy thoughts. Good night world. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Redefining myself.

Today I was talking to a friend. I was trying to explain to her how everyone at work that doesn't know what is going on between my wife and I think that I am going through a midlife crisis. Because I shaved my head or because I bought a longboard. Problem is they are all wrong. I'm just going through a time where I am redefining who I am. I've been married since before I could drink and I never got to do a lot of things or to try new things and now I am. I want my children to know that they should really expand their horizons and try new things with every chance. It's very late and I'm very tired...so tonight this is all. Something short and sweet.

My thoughts on Marriage....

Is it actually necessary? Marriage. Why is it that people feel the need to be married when all it is, is a few words. If two people are in love, but don't want to get married, then why is it taboo for them to just live together, sleep together, have a family together? I mean that way if there is problems, you don't have to pay some jackass lawyer thousands of dollars. Is that odd? I just feel that in todays day and age, marriage is slowly becoming outdated. It's all about control. I mean, why is someone having more then one wife illegal? Why the hell does the government decide that they can tell us who we can marry or how many we can marry?

Someone with two wives isn't hurting anyone are they? Someone with 3 wives isn't hurting anyone either. Just because someone at sometime had something against Mormons, they decided to outlaw it. So much freedom that we have lost as a country. And every day the government grows bigger and bigger and everyone sits around with their thumbs up their asses not doing a damn thing. And that's the problem. The government is no longer afraid of the people. They have us all trapped and acting like little sheep while we let ourselves knowingly lead to slaughter. Then we wonder what happened to the freedom we used to have. What happened to land of the free and home of the brave? We've turned ourselves into the land weak and home of the slaves.

I once thought that during my time as a young man, there would be some sort of true revolution. But now I realize that most of America is content with the government taking care of them and not letting them think for themselves. They want the government to make sure that they never have a problem again with bailouts and free health care and blah and blah and fucking blah. Get up off of your lazy asses and make something of yourselves. Don't sit there and expect to get your welfare and your free health care on my dollar. The government has everyone so wrapped up in not having to lift a damn finger for themselves, people have forgotten how to be themselves. They have forgotten that the government should fear it's people. They have forgotten that government was supposed to be as small as possible. They have forgotten that we are people. Not sheep. Not cattle. People. And we deserved to be treated like people instead of shit upon by the upper crust of society.

I just want to be free to make my own choices, my own mistakes, my own life lessons so that I become a better man. I want my children to know that their father was a man of passion and life.

Day 1

Okay well here I go. It's been awhile since I've written down any of my current thoughts. I'm in a place right now where I am trying to figure out how to let go of things that have happened. How do you let go of 10 years. How do you let go of a family. How do you let go of the hurt you felt and get over the people that where involved so they don't hold any more control over your life? I don't know how and that's my problem. I want to run. Run to another town, live there, seclude myself from everything around here so that I never have to run into him again. But at least for now that's not possible. I have children that still rely on me. Their mother can't afford everything so I'm stuck here, when it's the last place in the world I want to be, to wallow in hate and despair. I know moving won't make everything all better, but it will help. It will stop me from possibly running into him, it will get me away from my soon to be ex wife so I can move on with my life.

Letting go is priority. I want to take this time to write out my feelings. I forgive them both. If they end up together, I hope that things go wonderful for them because she deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy too though. I deserve it.

That felt good. I feel like I've gotten a decent bit off of my chest. Maybe it will stay off my chest, maybe it won't....but I got it off for now and it's been weighing me down. It's made my days long and my nights short and restless. It's made me feel like less of a man. It's made me feel like I am completely failing in life.

This is the day that I decide to make a change. A real change. Living on a budget, saving money, becoming a responsible adult. I hope that some day my kids will forgive myself and my wife for what we are about to put them through. I don't want them to blame her and I don't want them to blame me. I haven't even left the house yet, but I already feel farther away. I get so upset as soon as I start to think about not living in the same house as them. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle life without them in it 100% of the time. It kills a small part of me every time I think about it, but for their sakes I have to be strong. I don't want them to see me melt down or freak out. They need to see how to be responsible and how to deal with problems in their life in a calm rational way where we treat everyone as an equal.

Hm. 5 more minutes left. I'm going to try. See what we can fill this space up with. I'm tempted to find an artist to help me finish Jacobs Ladder.

I guess I never thought this is where my life would end up. Soon to be 30, divorced single dad of 3 small children. I enjoy being married and I also signed up for life when I said I'd get married. I feel slightly betrayed that she said the same things as me and yet she wants out. I love my kids, but I wouldn't have chosen to have any if I had known this is how it was going to end up. I feel like there is so much I could have done with my life that now is gone. I have resentment. I just realized it. I swore that I didn't. That I didn't resent her at all, but that's not true. I do have resentment.

That's my time for today. More tomorrow.

Welcome.

So I doubt anyone will ever read this. I'm setting this up as an experiment. Nightly I will sit down and write (well type) for 15 minutes. I won't worry about it being coherent or making any sense, and a lot of it will probably be rambling, but I would like to get better at writing. It is far from my strong point.

First post should be tonight.