Day 1

Okay well here I go. It's been awhile since I've written down any of my current thoughts. I'm in a place right now where I am trying to figure out how to let go of things that have happened. How do you let go of 10 years. How do you let go of a family. How do you let go of the hurt you felt and get over the people that where involved so they don't hold any more control over your life? I don't know how and that's my problem. I want to run. Run to another town, live there, seclude myself from everything around here so that I never have to run into him again. But at least for now that's not possible. I have children that still rely on me. Their mother can't afford everything so I'm stuck here, when it's the last place in the world I want to be, to wallow in hate and despair. I know moving won't make everything all better, but it will help. It will stop me from possibly running into him, it will get me away from my soon to be ex wife so I can move on with my life.

Letting go is priority. I want to take this time to write out my feelings. I forgive them both. If they end up together, I hope that things go wonderful for them because she deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy too though. I deserve it.

That felt good. I feel like I've gotten a decent bit off of my chest. Maybe it will stay off my chest, maybe it won't....but I got it off for now and it's been weighing me down. It's made my days long and my nights short and restless. It's made me feel like less of a man. It's made me feel like I am completely failing in life.

This is the day that I decide to make a change. A real change. Living on a budget, saving money, becoming a responsible adult. I hope that some day my kids will forgive myself and my wife for what we are about to put them through. I don't want them to blame her and I don't want them to blame me. I haven't even left the house yet, but I already feel farther away. I get so upset as soon as I start to think about not living in the same house as them. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle life without them in it 100% of the time. It kills a small part of me every time I think about it, but for their sakes I have to be strong. I don't want them to see me melt down or freak out. They need to see how to be responsible and how to deal with problems in their life in a calm rational way where we treat everyone as an equal.

Hm. 5 more minutes left. I'm going to try. See what we can fill this space up with. I'm tempted to find an artist to help me finish Jacobs Ladder.

I guess I never thought this is where my life would end up. Soon to be 30, divorced single dad of 3 small children. I enjoy being married and I also signed up for life when I said I'd get married. I feel slightly betrayed that she said the same things as me and yet she wants out. I love my kids, but I wouldn't have chosen to have any if I had known this is how it was going to end up. I feel like there is so much I could have done with my life that now is gone. I have resentment. I just realized it. I swore that I didn't. That I didn't resent her at all, but that's not true. I do have resentment.

That's my time for today. More tomorrow.